Sorrows, Plays and A Bickering Family

Dearest readers,
Well, that's it. I shall not see my father now until Christmas, maybe not even then, if things don't work out. I'm glad he's gone in one way, because now I can probably have a white Christmas, or at least a cold one, in a cottage in the Scottish countryside. But, on the other hand, my dad has just moved half way across the world and I will not be able to see him very often at all or talk face to face! Sigh, that moment when we said goodbye was not the happiest of times. He looked so incredibly sad. Almost as sad as when he told us that he and mum were seperating. His eyes looked as if they were going to roll off his face and onto the floor, they were so wet with tears. And his lips were trembling, he could hardly talk. But, then again, he did much better than either Mel or I could. We were hopeless. We couldn't utter a single word. We just stood there, tears rolling down our cheeks, lips trembling. I could hardly stop myself from bursting out with sobs. But I couldn't say anything. There were so many things I wanted to say, things that would have made the situation lighter and less awful, things that I would have been very glad to have said. But no, I couldn't even speak. I regret that now, not being able to say what I wanted to. I shall probably keep looking back on that moment and kicking myself for not being able to form the words. I just kept thinking 'Don't cry, don't cry, you silly girl! Do you want to make things harder for dad than they already are? Do you want his last memory of you to be a blubbery mess? How do you think he'll feel, leaving you like that?' But, anyhow, that moment has passed now and I shall just have to move on I suppose. Anyway, now I have someone to write letters to and I'll be able to use my wax seal and beautiful new pens and paper.

School is slowly droning on in the background of my life. I am glad of the subjects I have chosen to undertake, but that does not stop them from being incredibly 'schoolish' and uninteresting. Why can't they think of interesting things to do? Things we will actually enjoy doing? I mean, there are plenty of ways to make learning fun. School just doesn't seem to quite get that concept. For me anyway. I had drama today; a generally good subject. We are studying a play called 'Juice'. It is basically a fairly dated play about a group of teenagers in Grade 10 who are celebrating the 'end of childood and the beginning of adulthood' by having a party. It involves lots of alcohol, stupid dares and, strangely enough, a dead canary. Very strange indeed! I am not really looking forward to performing it, to be honest. I just couldn't think of anything more boring; a play about a stupid teeanage party! I hope I can get an interesting charactert to play. I think we can choose whether to video it or to play it live to the audience. I know which one I will choose! Most definetely the former. I hate performing! I know that's kind of strange, as I'm doing drama, but I really think I need to get over this fear and face up to it if I want to be successful in life. So that is one of the reasons I chose drama. But also because I do enjoy acting, just not performing for a live audience! Filming is fine, and so is voice recording. But actual live performing kind of freaks me out!

I am becoming incredibly snappy toward my close family. This is a horrible thing, and the feeling is also very unpleasant. I just can't seem to stop myself. It's strange, whenever they ask me about my day or something completely innocent and friendly, I just get really annoyed and I simply cannot talk. I eventually manage to mutter something very short and sharp, and that only succeeds in making them angry. It's so silly of me to get angry but, I can't describe it. It's like I'm angry at them for not knowing. Or that I'm angry at them for daring to ask. I'll quite happily just tell them things about my day, but if they just ask, the words refuse to form. Like, tonight, mum asked if I had had drama today. I said that I had and that we were studying 'juice'. She politely asked me questions about it but I could only answer in short, very unexplanatory sentences. And when she continued to ask questions, I got angrier and angrier. She began to get angry too, until we were both bickering away like old ladies. This has begun to happen more and more, but I can't seem to stop it. Another example; I will be on my way to go and do the dishwasher or tidy my room, and mum will ask me to go and do them. Suddenly, I don't feel like doing them at all. It's like I'm angry at her for not knowing that I was just about to do them. It's utterly stupid. Or when I will be thinking something and almost say it out loud but decide not to, and then Mel says it, I get really angry. It's like she stole my idea or my thought and made it her own. Urghh, I cannot stand how annoying I am sometimes! I must be a nightmare to live with!

Goodness, this is getting very long. So I shall say goodbye.
Ta-ta!
Miss Aalyn xx